Blind Pain
by katarica
Summary: Hiei has a severe problem developing as he starts to lose his icy grip on his emotions, but he can't see what it's doing to Kurama. (Yaoi, Alludes to Rape, Some Drug Use, Some Language, Some Self Violence)
1. Why?

This fanfic contains YAOI content! It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
This is my first fic! Please be gentle ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't have anything to do with Yu Yu Hakusho. If I did, Kurama would wear leather straps for clothing at all times.  
  
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Chapter 1  
  
"Does it hurt?"  
  
The sound of the wheels on pavement, the wind whisking past the car. A honk in the distance. A tall redheaded boy sat at the wheel, his green eyes narrowed in worry. His clothes were pressed neatly, his hair brushed perfectly. He was a beautiful male. He didn't seem like someone that should ever have to carry such a frown.  
  
Kurama looked at his friend who sat straight and stiffly as always, his arms crossed. He shouldn't be crossing them. The other demon was shorter, with spiky dark hair adorned with a starburst of white, all black clothes, and the most beautiful blood red almond shaped eyes. His arms were covered completely with his cloak to hide the reason for the hospital visit. The other was staring out the window at the passing scenery, not deeming his question worthy of an answer.  
  
He drove silently for a while.  
  
"Was it your job? If you can't do it. if it's stressing you so much. I can get another job. You don't have to help pay rent. I know you're busy in the Makai."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Is it something I'm doing?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Stop with the false sympathy. Stop pretending you care!" Hiei snapped, turning his head to stare out the window. He did notice, however, when Kurama flinched as if struck.  
  
'So it's me.?' the redhead thought to himself, biting his bottom lip and staring off into space as he sped down the road.  
  
".I send flowers to that couple that found you."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"If they hadn't found you." Kurama began, looking over at his friend, but he didn't get to finish.  
  
"They shouldn't have found me."  
  
Silence.  
  
"I'll drop you off at the house. I have to get back to work. I left early from the nursery." he kept his sigh from escaping. In order to come get Hiei from the hospital he'd had to ask off early. And he'd been told that if he left he wouldn't be getting paid for that day.  
  
"Hiei. if you go in again to the hospital. they'll commit you for two weeks."  
  
"There won't be a next time," Hiei said simply. He wouldn't get caught next time. He knew better than to say the rest out loud though.  
  
Kurama saw it on his face, picking up the thought as easily as had the little demon shouted it. He paled as he pulled in front of the stairs that led to their apartment. Hiei quickly got out.  
  
"Hiei." Kurama said, and he paused, looking through the door. "Don't. I."  
  
"Waste your breath elsewhere, fox. You'll be late for work." He slammed the door, heading for the stairs.  
  
Kurama trembled as he drove away. He stopped at the end of the parking lot, laying his head on the steering wheel as he started to cry.  
  
//*\\ //*\\ //*\\  
  
He didn't know exactly how long he'd been doing it.  
  
He did remember the first time, though.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hiei stormed into the apartment, into the room he and Kurama shared, throwing himself onto his bed. His pulse was racing, his thoughts a jumble.  
  
He wanted to be angry, but this wasn't something he could fix with anger. He couldn't blame anyone but himself.  
  
Yukina's disappointment. the tears in her eyes.  
  
"You wanted me to treat you as a brother. as if you were my lost brother. No brother of mine would be so selfish, so shameful, so eager to kill!" she'd cried, running to hide from him somewhere.  
  
He'd been smarting off at Kuwabara all day, threatening him with about every torture he could imagine, and finally just spat at him, insulting him deeply enough to make him leave. Yukina had started to cry.  
  
He stood, pacing about his side of the room. He growled and considered ripping down the curtain that divided the room, but Kurama had made that curtain with his plants quite lovingly, and it would hurt him to see it ruined.  
  
Alone. He was so alone. Stupid. Ignorant, worthless, violent.  
  
He whipped out his katana and decided to go practice.  
  
Repair the damage he'd done with his violence by preparing himself for more?  
  
He lowered his blade at the idea and stared at the wall. A maelstrom of emotions was assaulting him, and he had no way to contain these. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, moving to sheath his blade.  
  
He sliced his thumb and cursed his clumsiness. He kept that blade sharp. Razor sharp. He watched the blood fall, entranced. He slowly lowered his katana, pulling back his sleeve, closing his eyes. He let out a soft, barely audible gasp as his blade left a thin, clean gash, and he felt the warm blood roll down his arm.  
  
The thoughts. all other thoughts were secondary to this. And he wasn't hurting anybody. No enemies slain, no friends recoiling, no tears. he panted lightly at the rush it gave him and went to bind and cover it before blood hit the carpet.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hiei unwrapped the bandages, examining the stitches that held his arm together. Kurama didn't understand. He couldn't understand. He sighed and rewrapped it, pulling on a long sleeved shirt to cover his arms. He had to get to the bar for work.  
  
--What'cha think? Review please and tell me if it's good enough to consider posting the rest. ^_^ 


	2. Work

This fanfic contains YAOI content! It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
You guys like me! You actually like me! ^_^ * sniffles happily * Okie, I'll keep posting as long as the reviews are good. ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. If I did I'd be getting love letters from myself. I don't own Serial Experiments Lain, either.  
  
These disclaimers depress me.  
  
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Kurama stifled a yawn, ducking through the plastic flaps that served as a door for the warehouse of freezers. Two jobs, school, and Hiei were definitely having their effect. His eyes were circled at all times, his beautiful red hair lackluster, and his skin paler than usual. But he couldn't stop. He needed to make it up to Hiei. He needed to get a third job to pay for the hospital bills. He wasn't sure what had caused Hiei's need to hurt himself, but he was pretty sure it was partly his fault. The little demon didn't talk to anyone else because he was always stuck here, helping Kurama with bills while he struggled through college. Hiei couldn't understand why Kurama did these things, but he was never unwilling to help him with it.  
  
"Hour late, Minamino. That's a write-up," his boss yelled from across the building, writing something down on a clipboard. Kurama stifled a groan.  
  
"Gomen, boss," he said, ducking his head in apology. "My friend had an accident and-"  
  
"-and now you're 50 boxes behind! You have 30 minutes to catch up," his boss snapped as he went back to whatever it was bosses did when they had people to do the bitch-work.  
  
Kurama did groan this time. 50 boxes, 50 pounds each. Time to load the trucks: 30 minutes? 2500 pounds of produce from their respective freezers to the trucks. The numbers were too much to consider. He checked the lists and go to work. Not even dollies were used here at the produce supply. Boss said if they got dollies, they went to minimum wage, because he was paying them for their strength. Youko Kurama would have no problem, of course, but he was the human Shuuichi. While very strong, the human body wasn't nearly as strong as the youko.  
  
Hiei could do it again anytime. He could be doing it right now. Kurama frowned, going about his task without a thought for the boxes. The more you thought about the task, the quicker you tired.  
  
He had all night to focus on Hiei instead.  
  
------------------  
  
The music was pounding at the Club Cyberia. ((MWUAHA, name theft. If you recognize the name, then you understand. ;) )) To the side of the great dance floor, opposite the DJ's booth, was a large semi-circular bar. A short black haired boy was flipping mixers through the air.  
  
"Working isn't so bad in the Ningenkai," Hiei thought to himself as he spun mixers about in his quick hands. The lights strobed and flashed in time with the music, glinting off the metallic containers. It was Friday night, and the joint was packed.  
  
"Why would the fox think that a task so simple could possibly stress me out?" That fox was just lazy. He hated to work. Humans were so easy to please! Spin some drinks about in the air, take some shots from some drunk woman's cleavage, smile for the drunken fools, and go home completely drunk himself.  
  
Ningen jobs were a piece of proverbial cake.  
  
He spun and impressed for hours into the night until the club cleared of the candy raver crowd, then slowly of the geekier technical crowd. He collected all of his tips together and cleaned the bar in a flash before heading out.  
  
When he stumbled into the door around 6:30 am, he was considering ways to avoid confrontation with the fox. No doubt he would be chewing him out about his arm again. He looked around the apartment, but found no sign of the fox. Kurama must still have been on his way home.  
  
He stood on his toes, peering into the freezer hopefully.  
  
A brand new gallon of Triple Fudge Chunk ice cream awaited him! There was a note sitting on top of it.  
  
Hiei,  
I am deeply sorry for whatever inconsiderate ways I've been showing you. Sometime soon will you tell me what I can do to make you happier? If you would like, I can move into the living room and let you have the bedroom to yourself. Or maybe I should eat less food? Have I been eating too much of the grocery money away? I can't understand what exactly what I'm doing to upset you. Let me know so that I might correct my ways. I have work on the weekends during the day now, so I apologize for leaving you in the house with no company. The hospital bill came in; don't worry, though, I will take care of it.  
Please don't hurt yourself anymore.  
-Kurama  
  
Hiei growled and balled up the paper.  
  
"Self centered bastard things he's the center and focus of everything!" he spat, pulling out the ice cream. He'd been right. Kurama wouldn't understand.  
  
---There you go! ^_^ another chapter. This one makes Hiei look pretty self centered himself ^_^;; I'm afraid the word file doesn't translate -quite- right onto ff.net, but oh well. You guys get the point without ellipses and tabs, right? Right.  
  
Review pleaaaase! The next one will be longer, I'm pretty sure. ( I just took some kind of migraine preventative meds for the first time tonight and man they're knocking me out! Gomen! 


	3. Worth

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
You guuuuuuys! You must review more! Reviews make me happy ^_^ (look at this, two updates within 24 hours! Don't you think that's worthy of a review?)  
  
Disclaimer: I only wish in my wildest wettest dreams that I owned Yu Yu Hakusho and the characters involved. (glee.)  
  
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Kurama threw his towel and apron into the laundry bin as he walked out the door. He pulled his hair up from its ponytail into a bun so that the fresh air outside would cool his sweat. He'd easily found his third job, and now worked weekends as the dishwasher at Kobe's sushi bar. Employers never tired of mindless laborers. Maybe once he'd finished school he would finally be able to quit these simpleminded jobs and follow his dream with this human body. It would be such a simple thing for him to start developing new medicines from simple plants, but without that degree. he just had to study hard and get through the classes. Somehow. He hadn't cracked a book save for during class in a month or so, and his grades were starting to falter.  
  
He hopped into his little silver car and shifted into a comfortable position in his sleep, deciding to floor it on the way home, visions of bed dancing in his head. He was starting to dread stoplights. The quiet wait for the lights to cycle through their routine left him shaking his head violently as his eyes drooped shut, sleep attempting to pull him in. Falling asleep at the wheel was not something he wanted to try just now.  
  
He checked the small mail box in front of the apartment complex and sighed, throwing a pile of bills, including Hiei's, onto the passenger seat before continuing in search of a parking space. He'd forgotten today was bill day in his mailbox, and was dreading the blow to his checkbook.  
  
When he'd stumbled into his apartment, he threw his armload of mail onto the table and collapsed into the chair in front of them. He started to write out checks, carefully following the balance as it lowered. When he was finished, he stretched out, letting his head and arms fall limply down the back of the chair and closing his eyes for a moment. He still had a shower to take, and needed to change clothes. He stuffed his knuckle against his teeth, stifling a yawn as he stood to get ready for work at the produce outlet.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
(Two Weeks Later)  
  
Kurama held Hiei's still form, rocking back and forth, back and forth.  
  
"Why did you hate us so? Were we so cruel to you?" he whispered, trying to avoid Hiei's glassy eyes.  
  
Tears slid down his face.  
  
.knocking on the door?.  
  
.sirens?.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
.the alarm clock?  
  
Kurama groaned and smacked the thing into submission. His heart was racing. What had that dream been about to scare him so? He forced himself to sit up, rubbing his eyes groggily. He blinked, pulling his hands away and staring at the wet fingers. Had he been crying in his sleep? He looked at the clock and groaned at the time. He sighed, deciding he really did have to get up and dress for work.  
  
Hiei's head poked around the curtain of roses. "You've only been asleep for an hour," he said slowly, blinking.  
  
"I sleep one hour everyday. This has been my schedule for a while now, Hiei," Kurama stated plainly, buttoning his pants. He reached into his top dresser drawer and pulled out a pill bottle, emptying some pills into his hand that he stuffed into his pocked before tossing the bottle carelessly onto the top of the dresser. He reached for his shirt.  
  
Hiei was still there, blinking. "When do you get off?"  
  
"Which job?" Kurama asked, buttoning his shirt before he grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone.  
  
"This one?" the smaller asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"6am." The redhead stood, one hand in his pocket, watching Hiei.  
  
"Want to get breakfast?" the fire demon asked. He wondered when the last time was he'd seen Kurama.  
  
"I go straight to Kobe's." He slid past Hiei, heading into the kitchen where he grabbed a glass and filled it with water.  
  
"You look like you've lost weight." Hiei said slowly, watching as the fox pulled a few pills out of his pockets and swallowed them with the water.  
  
"I have lost weight," Kurama said after he finished swallowing. He headed for the door.  
  
"What were those?" Hiei asked, following him.  
  
"Painkillers. My back hurts," he replied, stepping out the door and closing it in Hiei's face behind him.  
  
Hiei was never home during his sleep break. Kurama would come home, shower, pay bills, clean, and sleep, all between the hours of 6-9pm. He would also wake himself up with a little help, the equivalent of most people's cup of coffee.  
  
---------------  
  
Hiei frowned. Was Kurama mad at him? He'd hardly been willing to speak unless Hiei asked a question first. He was looking bony now. Where had all that weight gone? His skin had a dull unhealthy yellow cast to it. How long had he been operating on one hour of sleep a day? There were dark circles around his eyes. How long.?  
  
Since his hospital bill came in, he suddenly realized.  
  
Kurama was working himself to death for him?  
  
He frowned and walked onto Kurama's side of the room to get the DVD player. He grabbed it and turned to go when he saw the bottle Kurama had gotten his pain killers from. He bent to look at it curiously and nearly dropped the DVD player.  
  
Speed.  
  
Kurama was doing drugs.  
  
Kurama was doing drugs so that he could work himself to death to support him?  
  
Hiei trembled as he sat down on the bed. Kurama's body, once the envy of every woman, now looked like that of a complete junky through lack of sleep and constant hits of speed.  
  
I'm not worth this. I am killing him with my selfishness.  
  
I'm not worth this!  
  
---Read and review! Cause you love me so! (and I love reviews!) 


	4. Pain & Porn

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
Well, I have the story completely written out now, so all I have to do is get off my lazy bum and type it all up. ^_^ Most hopefully, the story will be posted in its entirety rather quickly.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Yu Yu Hakusho, there would be sexy explicit yaoi scenes between Kurama and Hiei in the episodes and movies. As I don't, there aren't.  
  
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Kurama stumbled in the door, his knuckle in his mouth to stifle the almost continuous yawns that plagued him. Shit was wearing off in time for his nap. He put a hand against the door frame and held himself up against the wave of dizziness that followed him whenever he was coming down. Bed sounded like a heavenly dream.  
  
He went into the kitchen and sat at the table to pay his bills. He closed his eyes as if to ward off the sight of his nearly empty balance. He opened his eyes again as he pushed himself from the chair. He peeled off his clothes, not caring whether or not Hiei was home, and headed for the shower. He paused, the thought making him wonder, and looked to see if the fire demon was home. He wasn't on his side of the bedroom. He shrugged and pushed the bathroom door open. What he saw made him give a cry of dismay.  
  
Hiei lay naked in the bathtub, the water a light red. One arm was on his knee, the other hanging over the floor, both covered in their own dry blood. His katana lay in a pool of bloody water.  
  
"Oh, Hiei!" he moaned, kneeling in the pool of blood, pulling him by the shoulders out of the water, in which he was up to his nose. Fear coursed through his veins as he lowered his head to Hiei's chest, listening for his heart. The demon was just unconscious.  
  
He stood, nearly slipping in the mess on the floor, and ran into the kitchen for the bandages. That stupid demon! Why would he do this? Why?! Over and over he did it. and it was getting worse every time. That stupid demon was going to die one of these days and Kurama couldn't even figure out WHY he was doing this.  
  
He knelt back by the tub and gently washed the smaller demon's body, removing the dried blood from his body and fighting back tears at the state his friend was in. He drained the tub and dried his arms with a towel before carefully bandaging his arms. Oh, that stupid demon. He gently pulled the small soaked form into his lap and dried the rest of his body, not caring that he himself was now wet and bloody, and still naked.  
  
"Why, Kurama.?" Hiei moaned, wriggling slightly. Kurama froze. This was hi fault? What had he done to cause this? He bit his lip and quietly finished drying the smaller demon before lifting him in his arms and carrying him to his own bed, which was bigger and softer than Hiei's. He lay him down carefully and tucked him in. His fingers found themselves running through Hiei's hair softy, pushing it into the spikes he kept up so fastidiously.  
  
"What am I doing to cause you so much pain? If you die. it will be my fault, won't it?" Kurama stroked his hair and stared off into space, tears falling down his cheek unnoticed.  
  
He got up and looked at the clock, sighing. No sleep today. Time for a shower, though. He paused, though, closing his eyes. No time for a shower. He had to clean the pools of blood. He bend, on impulse, to kiss Hiei's forehead before going to clean. He'd have to take more pills. He didn't need sleep if he had them.  
  
------------------  
  
Hiei woke slowly. he was alive. and dry. and warm. where.?  
  
Kurama's bed.  
  
He sat up slowly, blinking groggily and looked at his neatly bandaged arms as the sheet fell away. That fox had intervened again.  
  
What was that smell?  
  
He glanced at the nightstand and blinked. A tray of sushi lay on top of it, and a note to the side.  
  
Hiei,  
I know it's somehow my fault. I don't care what it is I'm doing, just tell me how to fix it, please!  
  
I can't stand to see you hurting yourself.  
  
There's plenty of sushi and beer in the kitchen. Invite Yuusuke over. He really does consider you a friend, you know. Maybe he can be a better friend than I.  
  
Please don't just sit alone in the house.  
  
-Kurama  
  
Hiei snorted. Like hell he wanted to see that annoying human!  
  
But when had Kurama found time to do all this?  
  
.surely he'd slept.  
  
But he knew the truth.  
  
He walked over to his side of the room and grabbed his pants, pulling the cell phone off his nightstand while pulling them on.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
"Oi, Hiei!" Yuusuke called, not bothering to knock as he walked into the apartment. Hiei scowled and went to meet him.  
  
"Yuusuke, what do you do when you arrive at a door that is not your own?" he demanded, arms folded.  
  
"Walk right in with gifts of porn!" the other exclaimed cheerfully, offering up an armload of DVDs. Hiei raised an eyebrow and shook his head.  
  
Only because Kurama had sacrificed sleep for this would he tolerate it.  
  
"Let's eat BEFORE this," he said, heading into the kitchen. He would need that beer to get through this.  
  
Yuusuke whistled appreciatively at the spread of sushi and beer before him as he followed Hiei. "Who did all this? You?!"  
  
Hiei hn-ed, popping open a beer as he grabbed a plate. "Kurama did."  
  
"Kurama still exists?" Yuusuke asked, helping himself in a rather greedy manner. "No one's seen him in months!"  
  
"He's been at work."  
  
"I thought he got off at 6?"  
  
"From his job at the nursery, yes."  
  
Yuusuke blinked. "What other job does he have?"  
  
"Right now he's a stockman at some produce outlet. On the weekends he washes dishes for some restaurant," Hiei explained, going into the living room and sitting on the couch.  
  
"Did he quit school?"  
  
"No."  
  
"When does he sleep?"  
  
Hiei walked into Kurama's side of the bedroom, grabbing the DVD player and the pill bottle. He went to set the DVD player up in the living room and tossed the bottle at Yuusuke. "He doesn't. There seem to be six more missing from when he came home earlier."  
  
Yuusuke turned the bottle around in his hand slowly. "Drugs.?" he whispered incredulously. "Since when?"  
  
Hiei took the bottle and went to replace it. He didn't want to have an answer to that question.  
  
They sat in silence for a while, watching Yuusuke's porn.  
  
Hiei suddenly spat his beer across the coffee table, staring at the screen. "WHAT?!"  
  
"Yeah, that's a German shepherd," Yuusuke grimaced, grabbing the controller. But Hiei stopped him.  
  
"Look at her eyes," the smaller said quietly.  
  
Yuusuke gasped. Her eyes were gold like Kurama's. she was a.  
  
"Youko." Hiei finished for him, sitting back and smirking amusedly.  
  
Yuusuke stared at the screen for a moment, contemplative. This made him think of a question he'd wanted an answer to for a long time.  
  
"So, how's Kurama in bed?" he asked, looking at Hiei curiously.  
  
Hiei looked like he was going to spit beer again. "What?! How should I know?!"  
  
Yuusuke looked confused, then nervous. "You mean you haven't..? Oh shit man, I was sure you'd have. by now."  
  
Hiei stared at him. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"It's been SEVEN years and you STILL haven't noticed?" Yuusuke's voice cracked with incredulity.  
  
"WHAT?" Hiei snapped, growing frustrated.  
  
"Gah!" Yuusuke held his head in his hands. "Hiei, you can never call me an idiot again."  
  
Hiei growled, considering whipping out his katana if he didn't get an answer soon.  
  
"Kurama's been giving you google eyes since the first time I saw you guys!"  
  
"Goo-what?" Hiei blinked, confused again.  
  
"Googly eyes, Hiei! He wants you, he likes you, he might even love you!"  
  
Hiei's world tilted, then he shook it off. That idiot. "Demons don't love. And they don't give off. googly eyes."  
  
Yuusuke stood, swaying a bit, clutching his beer as he bent to look Hiei in the eye.  
  
"Demons don't have human mothers. They don't have best friends. They don't attend college full time and work three jobs." he narrowed his eyes, getting nose to nose with his friend as his drunken logic clicked into place. "and they don't do drugs, not sleep, and make such extravagant meals to make life easier for a certain little fire demon."  
  
Hiei looked away, crossing his arms. "Hn. I don't need his sympathy."  
  
Yuusuke rolled up his own sleeve slowly. "You don't need sympathy? You don't need love? You do. You and I aren't so different, Hiei. I know you need it from somebody."  
  
Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Hn."  
  
Yuusuke placed the inside of his arm in front of Hiei's face. The demon's eyes widened at the mass of scars there. "I had to die before I realized how much I was loved. But dying nearly killed the people I hadn't even guessed considered me their friend. I understand, Hiei, but please realize something I never did: If you take this too far you'll be killing the ones you wish would care for you. How does it feel when you think of what Kurama's doing to himself? He's a demon, you're right, but his body is a human's. He's killing himself just as effectively as you are trying to do with your katana. And people don't eat when they're on speed. How thin is he now? Working constantly, never sleeping, never eating, consumed with worry for you?"  
  
Hiei's face was tingling, his eyes threatening to overflow. He trembled. "How did you.?"  
  
Yuusuke smiled, laughing, embarrassed. "Well I saw blood on your sleeve and hoped I was right. It sure would have been weird if I was wrong!"  
  
Hiei's jaw dropped.  
  
"Seriously, though, you can't begin to help Kurama until you've helped yourself. Don't think killing yourself will make it go away, that's the most certain way of killing him you could choose. Don't just continue this while he's wasting away." he poked the demon's chest. "And talk to him!" he admonished.  
  
Hiei sat back, his eyes unfocused, his mind racing. No one could love the Forbidden Child. Kurama was killing himself. He loved him? He was hurting them when he hurt himself.?  
  
.Yuusuke said something SMART?  
  
---Bwuaha! This is my longest chapter yet! ^_^ Review please! Your feedback makes me type faster! "prepare to enter WARP SPEEEEED" (or something) 


	5. Accident

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
Katyfoxdemon2 made my day! Thanks to her, I must now type up this chapter hurriedly!  
  
I must apologize y'all, cause just as it looks as though everything's gonna be alright. (dum dum duuuum) (short chapter warning.)  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Yu Yu Hakusho, there would be sexy explicit yaoi scenes between Kurama and Hiei in the episodes and movies. As I don't, there aren't.  
  
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Kurama stumbled in the door to his dark apartment, kicking it shut behind him with his foot. He chewed softly on his knuckle, stifling a yawn as he flipped on the lights. He groaned as he glanced around the apartment. Such a mess! Yuusuke must have come over. He set to straightening up the apartment.  
  
When he was done he stumbled up to his bed and collapsed onto it, sliding his alarm on blindly with a limp hand. His eyes slid shut.  
  
Hiei moaned in he other room, and Kurama's eyes slid open. "Hiei, if you've hurt yourself again I don't think I'll be able to stand it," he murmured quietly as he pushed himself out of bed. He walked to Hiei's side of the room and looked at the small demon.  
  
Hiei was curled up in his small bed, shivering slightly. Kurama smiled affectionately and pulled the covers up over his body. He started to get up to go back to his bed, but fell back to his knees, dizzy. He groaned and lay his head on Hiei's mattress before slipping into unconsciousness.  
  
-------------------  
  
Kurama blinked and looked around foggily. He was at the produce outlet. His vision was ringed with a bright white aura as he looked around. How had he gotten here? There was no way he woke up, got dressed, and drove here without waking up. was there? He looked down. He was wearing the same thing he'd worn yesterday. It was crumpled, as if he'd slept sitting against Hiei's bed. not possible. This had to be a dream.  
  
"Minamino! Get back to work! Those crates of carrots need to move NOW!" shouted his boss, glaring at him from across the warehouse. Kurama groaned.  
  
He stumbled towards the mountain of boxes, looking up at the daunting stack. But there was no way he could do that without aid of a machine or something! He looked at his boss uncertainly, who was turned the other way.  
  
Of course this was a dream, he realized. A nightmare about work. There was no way he could or WOULD attempt to disassemble and move this stack of boxes in the real world. It didn't really matter here in the dream world, though. He stood on his toes and reached up, inching the top box over. So heavy! Such a vivid dream!  
  
This was a dream. it didn't matter. he kept telling himself that as he pulled the box. His vision was swimming as the box suddenly jumped forward in his grip, and he fell backwards onto his bum. He moaned in pain, then his heart stopped cold. The entire stack wobbled precariously as the box he'd fallen with crashed next to him. He curled into a fetal position, his mind numb. 'This is only a dream,' he thought to himself as the boxes started to fall.  
  
--------------------  
  
Hiei's eyes snapped open.  
  
He'd been havig the most wonderful dream in which Kurama had been curled against him in his bed. Damnit, what had woken him? He glared around the room suspiciously.  
  
The phone rang again.  
  
Ah. That was the culprit. He considered skewering the damn thing on his katana. Evil phone.  
  
He snatched it up and hit 'receive', mumbling something that would suffice as a greeting.  
  
His entire body felt suddenly a strangely foreign ice cold as the person on the other end gave him details and the hospital's address where Shuiichi could be found.  
  
As soon as he knew enough he hung up without so much as a goodbye. He threw on his clothes and was out the door at a speed only he could attain.  
  
---------------------  
  
Kurama stood in his spirit form, looking down at his broken body on the hospital bed.  
  
"Botan, aren't I dead?" he asked. A blue haired fairy stood next to him, shrugging.  
  
"You should be," she said dubiously.  
  
He shook his head, watching Hiei shift in his sleep where he sat at the motionless fox's side. "Then why am I not?"  
  
"I can't take you because of Hiei. he has to figure out on his own how to revive you. He has three days. if he can't do it by then." she shrugged. "You can communicate with him in dreams, but he won't even feel your presence otherwise."  
  
Kurama frowned and watched the smaller demon. "Hiei, just let me go. I'm worthless to you anyways..."  
  
Botan sighed. She wasn't certain these boys would figure out what they needed to in time. Why were they both so blind to each other's pain?  
  
---Don't kill me! Kurama's just so easy to inflict badness upon, it's all his fault that I do it, I swear! * hides * ^_^;; Review please! ( 


	6. Memories

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
Eek! I've been threatened! Please to stab me with blades of doom! See? I've posted! I'm a good girl! See? Posted like you asked!! Eeeee! * flees *  
  
Thank you all for your support! This is going to be another short chapter, but it'll get the point across, I promise. sorta. maybe.  
  
Disclaimer: If I could draw better, I would have drawn Yu Yu Hakusho. But as I can't, I didn't. As a result, I have nothing to do with it!  
  
------------------  
  
Kurama slipped cautiously into Hiei's subconscious. If the only way they could communicate was through dreams. Kurama didn't really have anything to say to Hiei that he could fathom would help, but it might be fun to look in on the little demon's dreams for a bit. He laughed to himself in a manner that could almost be construed as a giggle. Hiei would kill him for the invasion of privacy if he knew!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"A Forbidden Child!"  
  
"He must be thrown off this island!"  
  
"He will bring bad fortune on us all!"  
  
Hiei was a baby, wrapped in some form of white cloth. Some woman who stood in a crowd of ice demons was holding him. The demons looked angry, scared, and nervous all at the same time. A woman who resembled Hiei stood to the side, held in place by others, wailing and screaming for her son's safety.  
  
"Let him live! I'll take him away from here! Anything! Don't throw him! He'll die!" she screamed, agony written in her voice. She was ignored, but the woman holding Hiei looked even more nervous as the mother screamed.  
  
"Be rid of him!"  
  
"Forbidden!"  
  
"Throw him!"  
  
The woman holding the child gave him something Kurama couldn't quite see, and then closed her eyes, throwing him over the edge of the island, into the clouds.  
  
Hiei was falling.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
There was death.  
  
Hiei was killing.  
  
Blood was everywhere.  
  
Kurama saw a flash of every man the fire demon had ever killed. At first, he was so young. too young to be killing, too young to be alone outside of a home. But kill he did. And he grew older with every flash, a life's path marked by deaths.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
He was young again. Not more than ten, maybe younger. He lay in a clearing in a forest, held down by rough, dirty-looking men. He was screaming at the top of his lungs to be released, screaming in pain, screaming mindlessly, just screaming to be screaming. Kurama watched in horror as he was beaten savagely, his clothes ripped off, and finally raped brutally. After a while, Hiei stopped screaming. But Kurama picked up where he left off, shielding his eyes and yet still seeing what was happening to the young Koorime.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Hiei's head hurt. He was cold, he was hungry, and he was alone. His forehead was bandaged, protecting his new eye. He'd been searching so long for Yukina. Now he could find her. But after the pain subsided. after the fever that ripped him apart went away. He shivered and curled tightly against the tree he lay under, droplets of water falling steadily on his head. There was no escape from the blasted cold rain. As much as he heated his skin to steam it away, at least 20 times the rain fell back onto his flesh, the constant use of his Ki draining him and leaving him more susceptible to sickness.  
  
"Yukina, I'm coming. just please forgive this small break in my search. I can't. I can't get myself up right now." he moaned quietly to his sister in his delirium.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Yukina was yelling at him. She was screaming at him. Disgust and distrust were written across her face as Kuwabara fled Genkai's temple, leaving Hiei to face the resulting wrath of the redhead's fiancé.  
  
"No brother of mine would be so selfish, so shameful, so eager to kill!" she'd cried, tears running down her face. She turned and ran.  
  
Hiei also fled.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Kurama gasped and saw himself in a warehouse, injured. Yuusuke stood to the side, and Hiei stood in front of him in his demon form. Kurama knew and dreaded this memory.  
  
His own form in the memory stood, looking at Hiei for a moment, and then threw his own blood into Hiei's Jagan eye. Hiei clutched at his eye in disbelief, narrowing his eyes.  
  
Kurama had betrayed him. Hiei's mind screamed, hurt by the betrayal.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Kurama was sitting on his bed, his eyes glazed over, shirtless, tangled in his sheets.  
  
"You've only been asleep for an hour," Hiei said, worried.  
  
"I have to work," Kurama replied, getting up to get dressed.  
  
Hiei knew it was to pay his own hospital bills, and shame coated his thoughts.  
  
Kurama's eyes in his spirit form were tearing up as he realized how Hiei felt about his jobs.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Flashes of Kurama flickered through his mind, one after another. His thin body, his yellowing skin, the bags under his eyes, his bottle of pills.  
  
.his bottle of speed.  
  
Kurama gasped. Hiei knew what that was? Hiei had known about the drugs. and it was eating at him like this? He was blaming himself for it?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kurama gasped, tears flowing down his cheeks as he fled Hiei's mind.  
  
"So much pain!" he gasped, sobbing over the sleeping Koorime and wishing he could throw his arms around the small demon. .wishing he could fix the damage he himself had done, wishing he could save the demon from every injustice and pain he'd ever suffered.  
  
"But. I caused so much of it! .he shouldn't even be concerning himself with me, not after the hurt I've inflicted." Kurama buried his face in his hands. "Let me die, Hiei. be rid of my worthless form!"  
  
---Weeee. Another chapter done, despite my mortal wound. I chopped the top of my thumb off in culinary lab today while someone was yelling at me. and I was chopping Jalapeno's, so it BURNS!!! Gah!! Review, please, y'all! And this chapter wasn't as short as I'd thought it would be. Strange. I may or may not post another chapter tonight. ^_^ later, though. 


	7. Dreams

This fanfic contains Yaoi content. (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
Having been threatened and complimented highly, I will post another chapter for you. ^_^ * loves on everyone who has reviewed her, cause she has gotten ALL great reviews from everyone *  
  
Diclaimer: Blah blah blah Yu blah yu blah Hakusho blah blah blah, etc, and so on, and so forth...  
  
----------------  
  
"Mmm Keiko... I knew you'd see it my way..."  
  
Yuusuke lay tangled in his sheets, mumbling in his sleep as he had a wonderful dream. The window in his room, which his bed was positioned directly under, opened quietly, allowing a cold breeze to flow into the room. Yuusuke rolled over at the disturbance.  
  
"They're just as big and soft as I imagined!" he exclaimed foggily in his sleep, his hands reaching for imaginary breasts.  
  
"Ow! Keiko! Stop! I'm sorry, I'll never try that again... what the... Who the hell is stepping on my head?!" he woke with a start, realizing Keiko wasn't attacking him after all. There was only one demon bold enough to clammor over him like that in his sleep. And that demon...  
  
"Hiei," Yuusuke groaned and pushed the smaller demon off of him, yawning largely. He glanced at the clock and moaned in a tortured manner. "It's only 11:30! Don't you know the sun doesn't rise till noon?" he complained.  
  
...it had been such a good dream. Keiko's sexy uniform had just been unbuttoned and...  
  
"You died," the demon said suddenly, slowly.  
  
"Yes. I did. Before we met," Yuusuke confirmed, eying the demon warily.  
  
Hiei frowned in thought, looking at the floor. "How did you come back?"  
  
"A kiss from my love," he replied, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"Hn," the demon stated, and was gone, the curtains on his open window rustling with his unseen passage, the demon gone before he could blink.  
  
Yuusuke threw himself back onto the bed, frowning at the ceiling. That demon was taking Kurama's death too hard. He was starting to worry. Yes, he himself had come back, but while Shuuichi's track record was spotless, Kurama's was the subject of much controversy. There was no way Koenma would let him... Hiei had to move on.  
  
-------------  
  
"So who does Kurama truely care for?" Hiei thought to himself, staring at the motionless redheaded fox.  
  
"The youko Kurama cared for no one," he mused, "but after he became a human... who does Shuuichi care for? Shiori would have been the obvious answer... but she died in that wreck two years ago. Yuusuke? Kuwabara? He cares for them... but not that much, I don't think. Not enough... Me? No... It's all my fault that he's here to begin with... he couldn't care for someone who's practically killed him that much..."  
  
He looked at the fox, lips pursed, eyes narrowed in thought. "Hn... Fox? Don't you care for anyone?"  
  
--------------  
  
"Botan, just take me!" Kurama shouted at the blue fairy, grabbing her shoulders roughly.  
  
"I c-c-can't, Kurama!" she said pleadingly, trying to brace herself against the shaking.  
  
"Why not? What did Hiei say? His threats are idle!"  
  
"He... didn't tell me anything," she said grudgingly.  
  
"What? Then take me! He's torturing himself!"  
  
Botan stomped her foot and pushed Kurama away. "If I take you, Hiei will die. If you don't find your way back into your body, Hiei dies."  
  
Kurama stared at her, his knees feeling weak. "Why...?"  
  
"I've got the paperwork. His death pends on yours. If he can't save you, he will realize how much he cares for you, blame himself for your death, and slit his wrists for the final time. If you want to save him, you both have to realize your true feelings for each other, love thus breaking the hold death has on you, and you have to do it by midnight tomorrow!" Botan huffed at how blind they were and hopped on her oar, flying out the window. Kurama's knees gave way and he stayed there, watching with tears in his eyes as Hiei entered where Botan had just departed from.  
  
"Why, Hiei?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The same dreams. Every night.  
  
There was the screaming, the anger, the crying. He was being thrown from the floating city.  
  
But the dream began again.  
  
The hateful screams began again.  
  
His mother wailed, Yui gave him the teardrop, just like always in his dreams, and he was lifted, about to be thrown.  
  
And someone snatched him.  
  
A snarling, silver-haired youko held him protectively against his chest, challenging the ice demons to come any closer. He stepped back, and jumped from the island quite suddenly, cradling the baby Koorime comfortingly, and landing on his feet lightly, safely.  
  
Golden eyes flashed.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
His clothes were being ripped off, men crowded all around him. He started to scream again, and was silenced by the sight of a thorny whip cracking just above his head, slicing in two every man in the clearing. A flash of vibrant red hair showed through the trees, and he squinted, trying to discern the visage of his savior.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Hiei sat in the bathroom of the club, watching his own blood run from his wrist, pooling abundantly on the ground. He gasped as the background turned completely white, and a thin, pale, long-fingered hand snatched his wrist, pulling it up to meet the scrutiny of gold eyes.  
  
"Why?" the tall youko growled, healing the wound swiftly with his own spirit energy. He'd always been too late to heal it in real life, the wound having already started to heal whenever he'd find the small demon.  
  
Hiei hissed, struggling against the hold.  
  
"Tell me why you do this to yourself!" he growled, grabbing Hiei's other wrist and wrenching it into the air, holding both arms above the small one's head. The smaller demon gave in, going limp against his hold.  
  
"I must be as cold as ice," he replied dully.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Kurama watched the dreams raced on as they were wrenched out of his grasp and raced on with their normal pattern again.  
  
He couldn't put his own memories into Hiei's subconscious, could he? If he could effect the dreams like he already had, it might work...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Hiei lay sleeping on his bed, bandages covering his arms, tubes hooked up to him. He had a hospital nightgown on. He was in the hospital where Kurama had picked him up that last time.  
  
Kurama sat by his still form, tears running down his face as he regarded the small demon. Pale from blood loss, eyes sunken.  
  
Kurama's fingers were brushing the other's cheek before he realized what he was doing.  
  
Hiei's eyes snapped open.  
  
"What are you doing?" he demanded, eyes narrowed.  
  
"Examining a small scratch, Kurama lied, turning quickly and hiding his tear streaked face.  
  
The Koorime's skin had felt so good.  
  
The scene froze and Kurama cursed, thinking his memory had lost its place in the fire demon's dreams.  
  
Hiei's eyes snapped open as he spoke, no part of his body moving anymore.  
  
"When I feel, I can be hurt. When I bleed... my pain goes away, like it's flowing away with the river of blood..."  
  
Kurama's head whipped around to regard the demon, eyes narrowing at the continuation of the earlier explanation.  
  
"I never used to feel so much. I'd made an icy blockade around my heart. I couldn't feel... only in my dreams..."  
  
Kurama's hand stretched out towards Hiei's pale face...  
  
"I never felt so much pain... not until Kurama and Yukina came along."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Kurama felt himself being pulled along into another memory...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
They were at the gate... Hiei stood uncertainly, holding a single blue tear gem in his out-stretched hand. Yukina was smiling encouragingly at him, urging him to accept it.  
  
"If I ever find my brother," she said, looking him in the eyes, "I hope he is just like you!"  
  
Hiei couldn't find the words to speak. He stared at her. Did she know? He almost felt he could tell her, but then he couldn't protect her if his Jagan was gone...  
  
His eyes glazed over as the scene froze, and he spoke mechanically, the image of his body merely a carrier for the subconscious thoughts that flowed from his lips.  
  
"So close and yet so unobtainable. I really don't hate Kuwabara. It's just, he almost makes me want to tell her, Jagan be damned. But how can an oaf like that really take care of her? If I let him take her completely, I cannot protect her anymore. I know she doesn't really hate me... but I almost wish she did. I can't grow any weaker, or I'll tell her. And if anything happens when I can't protect her myself... I feel she should hate me, for her own safety..."  
  
A flash of green eyes in the background. Hiei's eyes trained themselves on the familiar orbs.  
  
"And then there was Kurama..."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Green eyes blinked foggily at Hiei in this dream. The fox had such pale skin now. His bones were so prominent...  
  
"You're not really awake yet, are you?" Hiei asked quietly as the eyes slid shut once more, Kurama's head settling back into the pillow.  
  
"Dying for me. I'm not worthy of this sacrifice..." Hiei murmured.  
  
Kurama knew where this dream was leading, and he took control, desperate to set this thought straight.  
  
He got up, walking over to Hiei, wrapping his arms around his neck.  
  
"I thought you were dying for me, Hiei, and I was doing everything I could to try and convince you that you didn't need to die for me to notice your needs." Kurama explained, looking down at him.  
  
Hiei looked up into his eyes, and shoved the redhead away.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
"Whenever I start to feel, I have to stop it. If I feel too much I become weak, vulnerable. Just as I let down my barriers to you, you feel the need to push more down," Hiei lay curled on a background of darkness. Kurama stood over him.  
  
"Hiei, there are people who love you here. Don't you love them?"  
  
"No one loves me in any of the worlds."  
  
"What about Yukina?"  
  
"Yukina is searching for a brother she will never find."  
  
"Hiei! She has to suspect! You are TWINS."  
  
"She hates me."  
  
"She loves you just as much as she would her own brother. Just because she got mad at you once does not mean she hates you."  
  
Hiei stared off into the darkness.  
  
"And what about me?" the fox asked quietly.  
  
"What about you?" the demon snapped.  
  
"I care for you too."  
  
"You're dead. I can do nothing to save you."  
  
"I could still be saved... At least you have Yukina..." he said slowly, watching Hiei's face. The smaller demon's face closed up, unreadable. Kurama sighed.  
  
"...but now I know. There really wasn't ever any hope, was there?"  
  
Hiei looked up at him.  
  
"Hiei... talk to Yukina. That's my last wish before I die. Tell her you're her brother. Don't hurt yourself again... at least not until Yukina tells you what she feels for you as her brother."  
  
"You're really going to die?" Hiei asked, watching the fox guardedly.  
  
"There's no one here to hold my soul down," he said, smiling sadly.  
  
Hiei watched him for a moment, and then disappeared into another dream. Kurama stood staring into the darkness for a while and disappeared from the subconscious of his long-time friend, sighing.  
  
"Ai Shiteru, Hiei... I wish... I wish I could have saved you."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kurama sight and looked up at the clock as he escaped the dreams of his friend. He looked at the clock. 10 hours to go. He looked down at Hiei's sleeping form and settled down for a nap.  
  
---Okiedokie y'all! How'd you like that chapter? The next will come later. Sorry the format different, but I'm having to type it in wordpad instead of on Word, and there is no auto wrap. Laaaaaame. Review! 


	8. RealizationReawakening

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
I don't know when this will be posted, on account of I'm offline. I could have posted earlier, but I ever-so-selfishly did my homework instead (I was WAY behind). I took a tip from Hiei and organized my things to do by importance. I refer to the Hiei in Hikari's story, 'Paradise 6', which, while unfinished, is a wonderful story you can find on fanfiction.net. It is the sequel to 'Fly As The Birds Do' (also on fanfiction.net), which is just. an amazing Hiei/Kurama fic. It could make a book if you printed it out. I highly recommend it. My writing is, quite honestly, crap compared to hers.  
  
BBChan: * eyes widen *somebody. actually.. noticed. my humor?! GLEE! * glomps on you! *  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really LOOK like I have anything to do with Yu Yu Hakusho, foo'?  
  
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Moonlight shone through the window of Kurama's hospital room, bathing the demons in a soft ethereal light. Hiei sat in a chair by the bed, his arms crossed on the bed, his head lay on his arms. He breathed softly, slowly, deeply, his eyes closed gently. Kurama's hair and skin seemed to glow in the light. Hiei's hair took on a soft shine itself. Hiei blinked slowly, his eyes starting to open. He let his head lay still for a moment as he recalled his dreams.  
  
He shivered softly, raising his head and regarding the fox's prone form. His arms were covered in goose bumps as the heat of slumber left him. He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing the limp locks back up into their customary spikes.  
  
The fox was going to die. He tested the thought on his mind, for the first time considering giving in to the apparent inevitable. No one had come to see the fox since the first day after the accident, everyone else apparently having given in already to the inevitability of the situation. Inevitable. there was no way to stop it? Surely there was something that someone could do.  
  
No one in the demon world cared, he realized, closing his red eyes in thought. The youko Kurama wasn't exactly. well, he was popular, but not welcome company. Rather notorious, in fact. His human mother was dead now. Kurama had taken that hard. His stepfather and stepbrother had moved on, leaving Kurama alone. He had friends, but they were more like partners. He'd meet them, fight, leave, and maybe once in a blue moon attend a party or get together with them, nothing special. Hiei was no one special to him, of course.  
  
Kurama had no one. He was going to die alone.  
  
Hiei might be holding his hand when it happened, but he was pretty sure that would mean nothing to the fox. Something about that. in his dreams, Kurama had told him he'd been trying to show he cared. Had the dream been real? There was no way.  
  
He smacked the bed frame with his fist in frustration, causing the whole thing to shudder. Kurama brought out feelings in him. feelings he'd been fighting off since his birth. And last night. whether it had been a real dream or not, Kurama still toyed with his mind, even up to now, when the fox lay in his death bed. He seethed.  
  
But. soon. soon after this, Kurama would never toy with his mind again. He would be in peace then, right? He'd never have to deal with his human body's weakness, his condescending smiles, his toying ways, his beautiful body, his green eyes, his soft hands, his delicate diplomacy, the way he swayed when he walked, his long silky red hair, his soft voice, his compassion, his love.  
  
"He loves me?"  
  
Why would he love the Forbidden Child? It just wasn't possible. Nobody would ever love him. but Kurama. he seemed, at least, to love him. Hiei couldn't figure it out.  
  
And Kurama would never be able to explain how or why to him.  
  
.because Kurama was dying. He was as good as dead already.  
  
"No." he whispered, staring at the fox, his eyes wide with disbelief.  
  
Hiei felt his icy heart melting inside of him. He recognized it, and was scared of it. The ultimate loss of control. He was becoming vulnerable. Why? Did he feel the same for the fox? That couldn't be possible. Demons don't feel love. The Forbidden Child wouldn't recognize or know how to love if love came up and smacked him in the face.  
  
Kurama's eyes. those beautiful green eyes. Those eyes that could display such softness. towards the fire demon.  
  
Did he really.?  
  
Love was smacking him in the face with a frozen trout.  
  
But it couldn't be! There would never even be a chance to tell the fox that he felt the same!  
  
But now he knew. quite suddenly. seven years of something so obvious and yet it had remained undiscovered until now. and it suddenly made all the sense in the world.  
  
He loved the fox. He loved him fiercely and with every fiber of his being. He loved him more strongly than the love he could ever feel even for his sister. The icy demon -could- love and he -did- love, and it had taken him seven years to figure it out. and only now that it was too late.  
  
His eyes were burning with an unfamiliar sensation. His body felt as though it was on fire as the feeling rushed through him. His eyes felt. almost prickly. and hot.  
  
It wasn't fair. To find what he'd never even dared to dream of hoping for, to finally realize that it was even possible for him to love, and that someone in this life could actually love him back. and only now that the object of his affection was.  
  
His chest felt constricted. His face was burning, even the tips of his ears red hot with the sensation. He started to take a gasping breath, but it turned into a sob. He'd never done it before. He didn't know what was happening to him, but he did know that he could not stop it. Black gems started to tinkle softly as they hit the floor staggeringly. His shoulders shook uncontrollably. He hid his face in his hands.  
  
It wasn't fair. Hiei could never tell him now. He could never hope to be held in those slim pale arms. He could never know what I felt like to.  
  
He slowly leaned forward, looking at Kurama's pale face. just one? One kiss before his love died and his heart turned glacial, covered with an icy barrier he could never hope to melt again.  
  
He suddenly came to a realization. If he couldn't have Kurama now that he'd realized his feelings. if he had to watch is love die in front of him without ever telling him his true feelings and hearing the feelings confirmed in return. he didn't want to live. He wouldn't continue to live.  
  
He closed his eyes as his lips neared their destination, his heart pounding wildly at the closeness between the two.  
  
-------------------  
  
Kurama's spirit snapped to awareness. He was awoken by a strange sound, a sound he'd never heard before. His eyes narrowed as he searched for the source. He blinked. Hiei was doubled over, his shoulders racked with sobs. Tiny, perfectly spherical, black gems were hitting the floor steadily.  
  
Hiei. was. sobbing.  
  
"I must be dead, and this is the hell I've earned myself," he murmured quietly to himself. Hiei was crying. His Hiei should never have to cry. That perfect little face with it's cute little nose and it's large almond shaped ruby orbs. should never be marred by the imperfection of tears. Kurama reached his ghostly hands out towards the small demon, wishing for the world he had some way to comfort him. Why was he crying?  
  
But. what was he doing? Hiei was standing next to the bed, looking down at him. He was bending slowly. Kurama's eyes widened, and he hopped to the other side of the bed to watch. Hiei was going to.? Surely not! He was delusional! There was no way that. those. tasty looking. lips were about to.!  
  
Kurama felt hot lips, slicked with the salty path of tears, push against his own in a single desperate kiss. Hiei's hands were on either side of his shoulders as he held his balance there against the fox. Oh, it felt so nice! He was about to push back against the lips, when Hiei suddenly drew away. The withdrawal of his hot fiery body left Kurama shivering with cold, his own body flushed and unable to deal with the sudden loss of heat. He felt two small hard objects hit his chest as Hiei fell back against his chair by the bed.  
  
His eyes fluttered open. He felt so weak. so dizzy. He focused blearily on the two black tear gems lying on his chest. Hiei was still crying. He rolled his head to the side weakly to look at his love.  
  
Hiei was looking down into his lap, gems falling carelessly from his face. Kurama's eyes narrowed in an attempt to focus. Hiei was staring at.  
  
.his katana?  
  
"Now that I know I love him. I can't. I can't go on if he is dead. I'm so sorry, Kurama." the small fire demon whispered to himself, pushing his sleeves up.  
  
-------------------  
  
Ebony gems fell from his nose and cheeks to his lap; some staying nestled between his legs, some bouncing off of his blade with quiet clinks.  
  
"I am so weak without him. I am so weak because of him." he thought to himself bitterly. There would be no fooling around this time. No one would be able to find him and bind his wounds. He would take care of both of his arms and then. then plunge his blade into his chest. It would be final this time. He couldn't go on. not without his love.  
  
He closed his eyes and lifted his blade in his hand. Finality. Peace. Closure. he would be with his love, wherever his soul went when it died, it would not be far from Kurama's. He took a deep, steadying breath, and brought his katana down in a final, striking slice.  
  
His wrist felt the shock of being grabbed in halted mid-swing. Pale, thin fingers had the armed hand in a death lock, the arm the offending fingers belonged to straining with the force of stopping the fire demon's death wish.  
  
"That is no way to fulfill the final wish of a loved one," Kurama said sadly, his voice a whisper. Hiei's head jerked up, his ruby eyes meeting Kurama's deep green.  
  
His body tingled with shock, his other wrist twitching limply with the shock of not being dealt the intended blow. His hand felt numb, and he dropped the katana, letting it slide from his fingers to clatter noisily to the ground. Yes, that could damage the blade, and no, he didn't give a shit right now. It could be melting for all he would notice.  
  
"Ku. Kurama.?" he whispered, his body cold with shock and disbelief. If he got his hopes up, only to find it a hallucination.  
  
Kurama withdrew his hand from Hiei's frozen wrist, his eyes never leaving the fire demon. He was wincing at the pain the sudden jerking movement had caused his arm, as it was attached to multiple IV needles.  
  
Hiei's hand flew wonderingly to the fox's pale cheek. "You're. not dead," he said, his voice choked with disbelief.  
  
"Botan told me that if you could find a way, I could be revived. But she also said if I died, you too would take your life." he explained slowly, regarding the demon's wrists with noticeable fear in his eyes. "Why. why would a kiss bring me back?" he asked, a wondering tone in his voice. His lips still tingled with the sensation of Hiei's hot lips against his own.  
  
"Yuusuke said. that the kiss of a loved one brought him back," he said slowly. He suddenly jerked his hand away from Kurama's cheek, and lowered his eyes to stare at his feet. "Kurama I. I love you."  
  
Kurama gasped at the admission from the small demon. Hiei had actually said. his face suddenly turned to a frown though.  
  
"Hiei." he said slowly, closing his eyes. "I can't love you if you'll keep hurting yourself. The constant fear that you'll be dead one day when I wake. it would kill me in a way more excruciatingly painful than any boxes of carrots could achieve."  
  
Hiei continued to look at the floor, a solitary gem falling from his face. "Kurama I. I want to stop if that's what will make you happy. But I can't. I'll only." he stopped, gathering his words, his eyes lowered in shame. "Will you help me?"  
  
Kurama closed his eyes, a relieved look passing over his face. "Yes, Hiei. Nothing in the world would make me happier than helping you. If. if ever you feel the need to do it again. just call on me. I will drop everything for you."  
  
Hiei stared at him wonderingly. "You. mean that.? Why? Why would you do something like that for me?"  
  
Kurama smiled softly, warmly, raising his eyes to meet Hiei's. "Because I love you, too."  
  
Hiei smiled slowly.  
  
Kurama suddenly quirked an eyebrow. "Hiei. you're talking. and now. smiling? The world really is coming to an end, isn't it?"  
  
"Hn," the demon stated, crossing his arms and looking away.  
  
Kurama smiled. Hiei really would be all right. and so would he.  
  
---* streeeeeeeetches * it's 2am. I just care that much about y'all! ;) One more chapter on here to go. There will be a 10th, a lemon chapter, posted on adultfanfiction.net. (I am posting on both fanfiction.net and adultfanfiction.net on account of this lemon chapter) But that won't come until (predictably) after I get off me bum and type and post chapter 9! Review pleeease, y'all! How do you like their first kiss? ^_^ 


	9. Love

This fanfic contains YAOI content! (lemon in later chapters) It also alludes to rape, brief mention of drug use, a little bit of naughty language, and some self-violence. You can't say I didn't warn you!  
  
Yey! 6 reviews with fanfiction.net! * loves on them * and ONE review with adultfan.nexcess.net. * loves on her ONE fan * * sniffles * alas and oh well. At least some people lurve me! I've had to put a lot of thought into this particular chapter, because the way I wrote it. just doesn't fit. So here goes nothing! Remember, y'all, chapter 10, the chapter after this one, the FINAL CHAPTER, will only be posted on adultfanfiction.net because of LEMON content.  
  
Heh.. heh.. heh.. * cracks knuckles* Sorry it took so long for this guys, but I got kidnapped and taken for a weekend of PRIMITIVE camping in the woods. (That was a first time for me, and if you've ever been I'm sure you can figure out the part that got to me.) I was a Girl Scout! Girl Scouts had -extensive- restrooms, lemme tell ya! But anyways, thank you for being patient. (Even if you weren't, I'll pretend like you were.)  
  
Disclaimer: No real owner of Yu Yu Hakusho would be forced to settle for eating stale tortilla chips. The stale tortilla chips I'm eating make the world a sadder place.  
  
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It really was a nice day out.  
  
While still slightly cloudy, the sun had an intense glow, causing the city to be brightly lit with the first cheery rays of spring. Winter's cold grip was fading into memory as plants and trees budded, flowers littering the grass in little rainbows. There was an apartment complex that was completely swamped in every manner of beautiful greenery, the flora thriving as if striving to welcome their creator home at last.  
  
A small silver car raced around the corner and into the parking lot of the complex, screeching to a halt in front of the stairs to said creator's apartment. A small dark haired demon jumped out of the driver's seat and was at the passenger side in an instant, holding the door open for the tall willowy redhead that slowly pushed himself out of the car, looking a tad nauseous.  
  
"Hiei.. you're never driving again," the redhead said faintly, leaning against the car.  
  
"Hn. Get better and you can drive yourself, fox. No keys until you have color in your cheeks again!" the smaller stated firmly, pocketing said keys. He was dressed in an unusual manner today. The spiky-headed demon was not wearing his cloak. His arms were bare and bandaged; plainly visible as all the demon wore above the waist was a tight muscle shirt.  
  
The two had arrived at an agreement. In exchange for Hiei keeping his arms visible so that Kurama would know what was going on, Kurama had to submit to all kinds of crazy rules during his recuperation. Oh, the fox had believed he had the upper hand, the small demon baring part of himself to the world being an unquestionably amazing feat, but he had not counted on the first rule. Hiei was going to be the one driving until he was in full health and wasn't at risk of falling asleep at the wheel. Hiei had no idea how to drive until he got into the car to take Kurama home from the hospital, had no license, and Kurama was pretty sure he'd rarely paid attention to what Kurama was doing all the times he'd given him rides around town.  
  
They started to make their way up the stairs to the apartment, but Kurama soon had to stop for fear of losing his footing. A certain little demon kept coming very close to tripping him, dancing about him anxiously. "Hiei, if you do not get out from under my feet and quit crowding me, I WILL trip and break my neck and it will be your fault. I am not made of glass, damnit!" he finally snapped when he could take it no longer. Yes, Hiei's intentions were good, but being treated as though he was that fragile was most definitely annoying.  
  
The fire demon quickly backed away, arms crossed, looking for all the world as if he would be caught doing no such thing. "Hn," he said, looking away. Kurama couldn't help but smile at the display.  
  
They finally reached the door, Hiei inconspicuously following behind in case the fox suddenly fainted and fell. Kurama of course noticed, snorting mentally at the very idea of Youko Kurama just magically having a fainting spell just because he was malnourished! He was far too powerful to be so weak! He shouldered the door open and passed inside, making a beeline for the couch, kicking his shoes off simply. Hiei's eyes narrowed as the taller collapsed onto the couch, his strength giving out. Kurama's eyes slid shut and he sighed comfortably.  
  
"It is so good to be home!" he exclaimed, wriggling into the couch's embrace. He grunted at a sudden weight on his hips and allowed on eye to slide open and eye the fire demon whose ruby red eyes were level with his own green. "Yes, koibito?"  
  
"I have new rules," he stated, eying the fox as if he'd try to escape. When his only response was a raised eyebrow, he continued.  
  
"First off, you will not be working, not even cooking or cleaning here, until you have fully recovered."  
  
Kurama could appreciate this rule. Of course, if he wasn't cleaning or cooking then who would be..? His eyes widened. Oh no, not Hiei.. Panic rose into his brain at the idea of Hiei keeping the house clean. No such thing was near possible! He'd be living in a mess!  
  
"Secondly, you will only be working one job in accompaniment to attending school. You are quitting the produce outlet, obviously, and the dishwashing job. You like the nursery work, so you keep it," he continued. Kurama's mouth flew open in protest. "and you will not be arguing it." Hiei finished dangerously, placing a finger on the fox's lips to silence him.  
  
"I myself will be taking on one more full time job to accompany my bartending. We will have enough money that way. No sushi and beer parties, but we can live without better than we did with."  
  
Kurama's eyes widened innocently as he pulled Hiei's silencing fingers into his mouth and began to softly run his tongue along them. Hiei wriggled a bit, losing his concentration.  
  
"Thirdly.. mmm.. ah, there was a third.. you will.. tell me when something's wrong. And you will.. oh.. stop that!.. you will tell me.. when you need money.. and ahhh.. Naughty fox!.." he drifted off as Kurama's hips started to push up against his own, rocking slowly. Kurama grinned evilly, continuing to suckle suggestively on the serious demon's fingers. He slowly let them slip from his mouth, admiring the look on Hiei's face. The smaller demon's eye were half-lidded, his lips parted slightly, lost to the foreign feelings of pleasure the fox was eliciting.  
  
"What were you saying, Hiei? No, don't bother; I think I gathered your point, really. And I believe these are terms I can live with.. if.." he paused dramatically, watching for the reaction as his hips stopped their suggestive dance.  
  
Hiei took a soft, gasping breath for air as his vision cleared slightly of the lustful haze beginning to cloud it. His eyes widened as he looked at the fox, who was threatening to cease his attentions. "If what?" he asked warily.  
  
"If.. you agree to one thing. We sleep in my bed." He finished, eyes glinting mischievously as he envisioned all of the fun he would soon have teaching his virginal friend the wonders of his bed.  
  
"Why your bed?" Hiei frowned slightly, knowing there was a catch in there somewhere, some reason Kurama wanted him in the bed that would make his fox grin in a manner he found highly suspect, but he shrugged it off, desperate to get the fox to wherever he needed to be to continue this introduction to pleasure, and he nodded in agreement without an answer.  
  
"Because," Kurama said, pushing himself up and pulling Hiei to his feet. He pulled the fire demon close to him in a sudden embrace; reveling in the heat his lover gave him. Yes he would be teaching this demon a thing or two. But he suddenly realized that this time. there would be so much more to the act. He himself was about to get a lesson in love, and he was going to enjoy every minute of it.  
  
"My bed's bigger," he finished, pulling the impatient fire demon into their room. Everything would be alright. Now there was finally time to relax and enjoy life.  
  
-Yes, that is technically the last chapter y'all. The fun chapter is next, but check it out at adultfan.nexcess.net . I should have it up in a day (or two.) ^_^ Thanks for all the reviews, fanfiction.net. Let me know what you thought of the ending. Adultfanfiction: I hope you guys review me more! Keep an eye out for the lemon epilogue. : )  
  
I am already at work on my next story. Gonna write it out first so it'll be about a week before I start posting that. The title will be Frozen Memories. It'll be another Hiei/Kurama fic, but definitely aiming towards a sadder ending. Keep an eye out! 


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